Parents: beings with the ability to both make you and mortify you, all within a New York minute.
It was Philip Larkin who said: “They f*ck you up, your mum and dad”. Some would say that pretty much sums it all up. However, the influence of the parent on a child’s development has been a point of interest for a multitude of people, including myself. Within religious texts, the relationship between child and parent, both maternal and paternal, is the focal point for many of the tales recounted, providing moral lessons to those that follow them. And I’m pretty sure you could still walk down the street and hear two lovely elderly ladies sitting on a bench at a bus stop commenting on the behaviour of the rambunctious child playing while they all wait for the same bus, saying: “It’s the parents’ fault”. But are parents really to blame? If there is a problem with child development in this country- scratch that, if there is a problem with child development in the whole world, where is the intervention needed? Rather than just playing the blame game, shouldn’t we be looking for a way to ameliorate our current situation?
Like I said, the parent-child dynamic has been attended to by countless academics. Freud, a prime example and probably the most widely known interpreter of the parent-child relationship, gave us the Oedipus and Electra complexes. Now while these are more commonly treated with a pinch of salt, you don’t have to be a mother-lover to recognise how powerful an influence parents have on their offspring.
We are all products of our parents. There is no doubt about it, every time you look in the mirror at your (insert appropriate colour here) eyes you are reminded of that fact. Aside from being a genetic cocktail made of our parents ingredients (read into that terminology as you will), what else can we attribute to our parents? We are more than just physical bodies, so there has got to be some mental material passed on, right? As special as I may, on occasion, tell myself I am, I find it a pretty hard pill to swallow that my mind and personality appeared out of thin air, irrespective of my environment.
Research has given us so much information, which makes it all the more frustrating when we realise that it is only scratching the surface. Epidemiological research has shown that an adolescent with a parent who has suffered from depression at some point in their life is 3 to 4 times more likely to develop depression than their counterparts with parents without histories of mental ill-health (Lavoie & Hodgins, 1994). Genetics research has identified a variation of the 5-HTT serotonin receptor which increases the likelihood of developing depression (Caspi, Sugden, & Moffitt, 2003). Despite this, it’s still difficult, I think, to blame parents: you don’t really get to choose what genetics you pass on to your kids (unless you have a boatload of money and a friendly geneticist). However, does this provide absolution for the parent? Sadly, methinks not. What about behaviour?
Turn on the TV and you’ll probably find a show or a movie where a character talks about how it’s parents role to teach their child right from wrong etc.: we’ve heard it all before. It doesn’t mean that they don’t have a point, though. Children learn by example, and parents, on the whole, are the most recurrent example that they have.
Baumrind (1967, 1971) identified 4 distinct parenting styles:
- Authoritative: parents exercise their power, but also recognise the reciprocal obligation to respond to their children’s opinions and reasonable demands.
- Authoritarian: parents adhere to strict standards about how children are supposed to behave, and attempt to mould their children’s behaviour accordingly. Little sensitivity is given to the child’s perspective.
- Permissive: parents who set very few rules and demands, and children are given much freedom and indulged by parents.
- Uninvolved: parents who set very few rules and demands and are, for the most part, uninvolved and insensitive to the child’s needs.
Out of this list, each style has its own unique consequences, but the only style yielding consistent advantages is the authoritative parenting style, producing children who are more cheerful, more responsible and more cooperative (Baumrind, 1991).
But it’s not just parenting style that makes a difference. I used to volunteer for an organisation that worked with troubled youth (don’t want to give away too much as it might result in confidentiality issues). It was during this time that my attention was drawn towards the importance of attachment relationships in child development.
Fonagy et al. (1991) identified the importance of attachment relationships in developing mentalization skills, finding that poor attachment development between child and parent at an early age results in increased difficulty in developing mentalization skills for the child, potentially stunting the development of the child’s ability to understand the beliefs, desires and intentions of others. Such underdevelopment could result in substance abuse or increased antisocial behaviour, to name but a few possibilities. Either way you look at it, the repercussions aren’t the best that they could be.
So here we have evidence of parents as powerful moulding forces, with each interaction fashioning their children more and more. However, the question still remains as to how we move forward from this. If we remain at this juncture then all we are doing is assigning blame, which hardly seems constructive, or even prudent. Fear not, my friendly readers, as I strongly believe that the answer can be found in the words of one man: Keanu Reeves.
Your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you; I do mean the guy from ‘The Matrix’. Before he became our beloved Neo, Mr Reeves was known for his ability to play airhead-type characters. However, it would appear that writers took advantage of the character’s apparent simple nature by giving him some very profound things to say. I was watching the film ‘Parenthood’ (which I highly recommend), and Keanu’s character, talking about parents, made, what I feel to be, one of the most astute observations ever. Period. His character, Tod, says to his mother-in-law:
“You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car – hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.”
Now, while I wouldn’t necessarily have chosen that particular vernacular, I don’t think the point could have been made any better: there is no test to become a parent. Anybody can become a parent; in fact, I’m pretty sure it’s a human right. Yes, there are cases where children are taken away from their parents because the parents can’t provide a safe home, but these cases aren’t as common as people think, potentially due to many cases falling between the cracks. So, inspired by Tod, here is what I think we should do: we need to start training people to be parents.
I apologise if anyone is outraged/confused by this, but let me explain. I’ve heard many a parent say that there is no dress rehearsal for kids, no time to really practice at being a parent. If people were to be given some guidance as to how to nourish their kids development the best that they could, then maybe certain issues can be avoided, or at least reduced. In a society where teenage pregnancy is on the up, and more and more people are becoming parents long before they really are ready, I think it is now, more than ever, necessary for such training. And I reckon the training shouldn’t just be for new parents: being a parent is tough, and no doubt they’ll need support along the way.
I remember hearing a while back about the Conservatives getting the ball rolling on training for new parents, although this may have been wishful thinking on my part. If this was but a dream, then maybe we need to start acting on it ourselves. Kids don’t come with a manual, so I think it’s time we took the bull by the horns and acted.
I’d love to hear what you guys think about what I’ve said today. Agreements and criticisms are always welcome. I leave you with the words of Mr Philip Larkin:
Philip Larkin – This Be The Verse
They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
Baumrind, D. (1967). Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior. Genetic psychology monographs.
Baumrind, D. (1971). Current patterns of parental authority. Developmental Psychology; Developmental Psychology, 4(1p2), 1.
Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. The Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.
Caspi, A., Sugden, K., & Moffitt, T. (2003). Influence of life stress on depression: moderation by a polymorphism in the 5-HTT gene. Science, 301(5631), 386–389.
Fonagy, P., Steele, M., Steele, H., Moran, G. S., & Higgitt, A. C. (1991). The capacity for understanding mental states: The reflective self in parent and child and its significance for security of attachment. Infant mental health journal,12(3), 201-218.
Lavoie, F., & Hodgins, S. (1994). Mental disorders among children with one parent with a lifetime diagnosis of major depression. Hodgins S, Lane C, Lapalme M, eds. A critical review of the literature on children at risk for major affective disorders. Ottawa: Strategic Fund for Children’s Mental Health (pp. 37–82).
The Importance Of Knowing Actions 